Through The Ages
Now that I am coming up on the end of my first year of college I have begun to reflect how I got where I am today. I'll admit, it hasn't been easy. There have been a handful of times where I wanted to throw in the towel and give it all up. There have been a few times the past year where I wanted to pack everything up and go back home. I wanted to go back to a time where everything was simpler, easier. I wanted to be in a place that I felt safe, a place where I knew who I was and what I was doing. But, I realized that, that's just the easy way out. I didn't want to subject myself to taking the easy way out.
You want to know what I've come to realize this year?
I have come to realize that life is hard. I mean I, to a certain extent, had known that for years. But it became more real and profound over the past year. As always, I have been through hell and back, but it was so much more powerful than it has been in the past few years. I went through a tragedy, I lost everyone that I held close. I lost 4 people that I loved in that high school shooting. I felt that because they were gone there was no point in going on with my life. I turned into a robot, I shut out everyone that was trying to help me. Back then I wasn't ready to give up, I couldn't find it in myself to move on.
The loss was just too great. So, I began to build my walls and I pushed everyone away. I slowly began to distance myself vowing to never let anyone get that close to me ever again. What was the point if one day they would just leave? I was so lost in the world that I had created for myself that it started to feel like my made up world was more real than my everyday. I became so caught up in the make believe that I started to believe all of the lies that I told my friends to make it seem like I was doing just fine, when in fact that was farther from the truth. I was Alice lost in Wonderland. I was Cinderella without her Prince Charming. I was Snow White without the Seven Dwarfs.
The love I cherished more than life itself and the friends that I'd known my entire life were gone and I was falling apart. I honestly didn't know how to live in a world where they did not exist.
I was safe behind my walls, I was comfortable knowing I was well and protected. fast forward 3 years. First day of college, everything is fresh and new. A chance to allow myself to be my true and honest self. A place where my feelings wouldn't get in the way. At the start of the year I was as reserved as I'd always been, but as time goes on I begin to meet people that I actually connect with. I don't know if it's the place or the people that initially broke through my walls and allowed me to feel again. But suddenly all the emotions that I've been holding back started to bubble to the surface mixing with the feelings that I'd never felt before.
I have begun to realize that, yes, sometimes life is hard but if you're willing to allow yourself to feel... if you give yourself the permission to feel whatever it is that you need to feel in any given moment then that's the first step to letting go. If you allow yourself to go with the flow, allow yourself to live in the here and now then life becomes more beautiful. Life is so much easier when you aren't constantly worrying about the things that you cannot change. Life is so much more beautiful when you open your eyes and really look around at the world around you. Life is so much more beautiful when you surround yourself with people who allow you to be yourself.
Surround yourself with people who take you as you are, flaws and all. I have learned so much about love and life the past 8 months that I have been in this place and surrounded by these people. I have grown through the ages, but I've never grown this much. I have never felt freer than I do right now. I'm not entirely sure who I am or where I'm going and I have no idea what the future holds. But right here, right now nothing could be clearer.
You want to know what I've come to realize this year?
I have come to realize that life is hard. I mean I, to a certain extent, had known that for years. But it became more real and profound over the past year. As always, I have been through hell and back, but it was so much more powerful than it has been in the past few years. I went through a tragedy, I lost everyone that I held close. I lost 4 people that I loved in that high school shooting. I felt that because they were gone there was no point in going on with my life. I turned into a robot, I shut out everyone that was trying to help me. Back then I wasn't ready to give up, I couldn't find it in myself to move on.
The loss was just too great. So, I began to build my walls and I pushed everyone away. I slowly began to distance myself vowing to never let anyone get that close to me ever again. What was the point if one day they would just leave? I was so lost in the world that I had created for myself that it started to feel like my made up world was more real than my everyday. I became so caught up in the make believe that I started to believe all of the lies that I told my friends to make it seem like I was doing just fine, when in fact that was farther from the truth. I was Alice lost in Wonderland. I was Cinderella without her Prince Charming. I was Snow White without the Seven Dwarfs.
The love I cherished more than life itself and the friends that I'd known my entire life were gone and I was falling apart. I honestly didn't know how to live in a world where they did not exist.
I was safe behind my walls, I was comfortable knowing I was well and protected. fast forward 3 years. First day of college, everything is fresh and new. A chance to allow myself to be my true and honest self. A place where my feelings wouldn't get in the way. At the start of the year I was as reserved as I'd always been, but as time goes on I begin to meet people that I actually connect with. I don't know if it's the place or the people that initially broke through my walls and allowed me to feel again. But suddenly all the emotions that I've been holding back started to bubble to the surface mixing with the feelings that I'd never felt before.
I have begun to realize that, yes, sometimes life is hard but if you're willing to allow yourself to feel... if you give yourself the permission to feel whatever it is that you need to feel in any given moment then that's the first step to letting go. If you allow yourself to go with the flow, allow yourself to live in the here and now then life becomes more beautiful. Life is so much easier when you aren't constantly worrying about the things that you cannot change. Life is so much more beautiful when you open your eyes and really look around at the world around you. Life is so much more beautiful when you surround yourself with people who allow you to be yourself.
Surround yourself with people who take you as you are, flaws and all. I have learned so much about love and life the past 8 months that I have been in this place and surrounded by these people. I have grown through the ages, but I've never grown this much. I have never felt freer than I do right now. I'm not entirely sure who I am or where I'm going and I have no idea what the future holds. But right here, right now nothing could be clearer.
Comments
Post a Comment